Last week when I heard that Lindsay Lohan was going to appear in 2 Broke Girls I knew I wanted to be able to see it so I made some calls and the next thing you know my buddy who works kind of with the show hooked me up. Well, in his typical fashion it was more of he says he hooked me up, but you never know what you are actually going to get when you arrive, but I knew I would at least get in. I might have to stand up and take off my shirt and shake my belly for candy and to entertain the audience, but getting in was gold. Or so I thought.

On a typical taping for 2 Broke Girls there are about five people on the list of the cast and crew to get in for the taping. Sometimes there are no people on the list. Last night there were nearly 100. That is half the available seats. Apparently someone had told someone and they called someone who called someone who saw Ferris at 31 Flavors and the entire world decided to descend on the Warner Brothers lot to see Lindsay Lohan. Hopefully they were coming for the same reason as me – to watch an actual train wreck that doesn’t injure anyone. They obviously have not watched her act.

There were people from around the world and other tourists waiting to get in the show. They had got their tickets months in advance and had no idea that the date they selected was all the date Lindsay had selected. Almost one hundred percent of the time all of those people would be accommodated but last night more than half had to go home without seeing the show. I would have given up my spot if it had helped but I was just one person and most of these people were in groups of three or four. Don’t feel too bad for them because there is a happy type ending for them later on in the recap. You can probably scroll to the bottom if you are one of those people who can’t stand to wait.

By the time I finally rolled in I had missed all the preliminaries, which can be a good thing with this show. I went the first season and got there around 4pm and didn’t walk out until a little after 2. This is season 3 though and towards the end and I heard they were getting out most nights about 9. It is not Two And A Half Men fast which pre-records so much stuff that they barely even say hi to their audience before getting you out the door, but 9pm is early enough where I could get some drink time in before sleeping.

As Roger Lundblade, the guy who does warm up for the show and one of my favorite guys to hang out with in this town sees me he waves me down to the front row like he is some kind of seat getting magician. It was all sleight of hand as you will see. I literally sat down two minutes before taping began. The first scene involved the entire regular cast and took place in the diner. One scene took about 15 minutes to shoot and that included a stop so they could move the cameras. Everyone was flawless and since Jennifer Coolidge is only in two scenes of this particular episode would like to point out how amazing she is and how gorgeous she looked.

Moving on. First Lindsay Lohan scene. Yep. There she was.

Red hair. Lips so plumped out she couldn’t really get them open because of her botox which also caused her to have trouble pronouncing certain words. Of course she won’t be able to pronounce anything if she keeps smoking because her voice is rapidly disappearing into some type of screaming smoking raspy hell hole. You know when you go to some type of event that requires a lot of yelling or screaming and you can barely speak. Combine that with a three pack a day habit and botox and see how well you do. There was a scene later on in the show that required Lindsay to say the words Hawaii and Bahamas in succession. She couldn’t move her botoxed muscles enough to get that combination down without pausing between each. It sounded like someone who had injected with Novocaine an hour earlier. 

Enough of that though, let me take this slow and steady. I want the writers to know that your words were very good for the script of this episode. I also want you to know that myself and all of the other 199 members of the audience are very familiar with every single one of Lindsay Lohan’s lines and can repeat them all verbatim to you because we heard them so many times last night. There is not a member of the audience who couldn’t do a better job than Lindsay Lohan did last night.

I am not going to give any spoilers or anything like that, but let me take you through Lindsay’s first scene. Max and Caroline are selling their cupcakes and a guy walks up and wants to buy a cupcake for his girlfriend. His line of “My girlfriend wants a cupcake and she gets anything she wants,” brings in Lindsay who then says, “I want a house in the Hamptons but I will settle for a cupcake.” Yes, I know that line and the other lines. I heard them and heard them and heard them. This first initial half of a full scene had about five lines from Lindsay. It took about 45 minutes to shoot because she never could get through without screwing up. She would get one line and screw up another. There was some combination that she always managed to find that she had not done previously.

While they moved the cameras for the second part of the scene, Roger, bless his heart decided to announce Lindsay’s presence to the audience and goaded almost everyone out of their seats to give her a standing ovation. Yeah. Miss Liz and Dick herself. At this point I think everyone was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Sure, they had four days to practice and rehearse, but it was five lines. Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs had twice the lines and had to worry about timing and still made the audience laugh every single time through. Despite having to repeat the first part of the scene well over a dozen times they didn’t slip once. When you go to a taping and see those compared to Lindsay you realize that Lindsay is never going to win an Academy Award and she is lucky to even be working as an actress.

So, move to part two of the scene. Lindsay is a bride to be who wants a cake made by Max and Caroline. She can’t decide what kind of cake she wants. Her whole thing in the episode is indecision. What kind of cake to have, what kind of dress to wear and whether she really wants to get married. Let me take you through the entirety of what Lindsay has to say in this scene. I don’t have a copy of the script. I took no notes.

Lindsay has one solid line where she tells Oleg after he lets her in the back that she thinks the guy in the hair net got to second base with her. Every time through she got this line right. Apparently she has a lot of practice with this type of thing and it was natural to her. After that it all went downhill. She walks into the room and uses the line adorbs. It is annoying once. Imagine having to hear it five or six times because she couldn’t walk and get the line out of her mouth right. She then talks about how she used to have a shop that sold dresses called Get The Frock Out and this translated into other names of stores that were next to it. Not going to happen. Another six times minimum to get through two lines. Once she finally gets that right she has to choose what kind of cake she wants and because of her indecision has to go through several options. “I want something traditional. Old school. No wait. Now I’m thinking because you guys are so cool that I want something with a Williamsburg vibe.” To her credit she got that right most of the time. Kat had an incredibly complicated response to it which she never screwed up and when you watch it on the show will wonder how she didn’t despite saying it a half dozen times. Lindsay then turns to survey the back of the diner and says, “Now I’m thinking pastels because it is spring. Now, I’m thinking black and white. Is tribal still in? Now I’m thinking that you guys should just pick whatever you want.”

It was a little longer than that, but not much. Lindsay had a lot of trouble stringing together the various permutations required and after thirty minutes the lines were reduced and reduced until all was left was basically the black and white line and do it yourself. There was no point in trying to get it all right because it was not going to happen.

Shortly after this, two scenes were shot with the entire regular cast and they took about twenty minutes to go through two scenes. All flawless.  Once again it was time for Lindsay, but off camera. All she had to do was read one line of script. READ it. It took her three times to get it right.

At this point my stellar seat was yanked from me because I was really down the totem pole and was relegated to the back row. No worries though. I knew I would move again. And again. And again. See, after that first wave of euphoria about getting to see Lindsay Lohan, that guest list of 100 people began to see that Lindsay was a train wreck but you only want to watch so many collisions before you realize you have better things to do with your life and they filed out en masse. About one-third at that point and because of some seat shuffling I found myself in the second row in a perfect position to watch more Lindsay meltdowns.

One of the best surprises of the night was Stephanie Courtney. You probably know her better as Flo from the Progressive commercials. Minus her flaming red hair and using her acting skills she was stellar. Seriously. Plus she got to call Lindsay a b**ch in the script which was lustily followed by Max and Caroline in their characters. Or did they think? Anyway.

Because of my constant seat changing I got to meet a bunch of cool people. Hey to the people from Austria. Thanks for those extra halves of sandwiches you gave me. To the couple from Wisconsin, you were very lovely but perhaps you should save the making out for your hotel room. To Miss California 2012, Leah Tibbits, thank you for letting me smell your cupcake and giving me candy when I thought I would die from a lack of sugar. I’m very sorry about my size and taking up half your chair, but you are very small and play the harp so you are probably used to sharing space with 300 pound objects that are tough to move and smell like bacon. OK, so perhaps your harp doesn’t smell like bacon, but you were very nice and you do charity work with Wounded Warriors and married a former Marine and graduated from college and are going to get a Masters degree and I would much rather hang out with you and people like you than Lindsay Lohan. Next time I promise not to shove you to the ground when they pass out Rice Krispie Treats. Hope your knee feels better. I’m sure the swelling will go down by the end of the week. 

So, there was one big scene left with Lindsay. She is in a wedding dress and has cold feet about the wedding. She has six or seven lines. 45 minutes later when the audience can see the finish line of this scene a cell phone starts ringing. Loudly. “I’m sorry, that’s mine. Hello. I have to call you back.” Yes, it was Lindsay’s phone. One more time through the last part of the scene. Ten more minutes gone from my life.

A great scene from Max and Caroline was out of this world and they filmed it three times just to try and get different comedic bits in to choose from. Kat Dennings is an amazing actress. I think that sometimes gets lost because people keep staring at her breasts and don’t focus on her acting.

When that scene ended, it was as if people were fleeing from some type of storm or an invasion of zombies. They could not leave fast enough. Most of the rest of the invited guests bailed at this point and lots of the audience too. I think the announcement that there was another scene involving Lindsay pushed everyone to the edge. The people who run the distribution of seats did amazing work at trying to make it look like the seats were filled. My buddy Roger saw that he was losing everyone and started passing out candy at a quicker pace and cupcakes that say Max and Caroline on them. He gave out money and led group songs and the audience that stayed felt as if they were a part of something. They had seen the worst the world could give them and one more scene with Lindsay was not going to crush their spirit. On second thought we all should have probably left. The last scene took forever to set up because it was the wedding and there were 100 extras and cameras had to be re-positioned. Plus it had Lindsay in it.

Lindsay literally had one line and then had to remain in place. Nothing more. I would tell you the one line but it would be a spoiler. It is about ten words long. Twenty minutes. Then another twenty because they had to shoot the scene from different angles and she couldn’t keep a straight face. All she had to do was remain expressionless or vacant. You know, like those dates she goes on. When the scene finally ended there was a pre-recorded scene that was shot Monday with Lindsay. I can only imagine how long that took to shoot and how many crew members didn’t want to go back to work last night. Usually there is a set up prior to a pre-recorded scene but they just played it and the audience was thrilled to be leaving. The cast walked out for bows and no one gave Lindsay much of a hand. She was featured third right after the guy who played her boyfriend and Flo. Way down the pecking order and Flo should be upset that Lindsay got better billing. One group photos was taken after and then Lindsay disappeared fast while the rest of the cast hung out and took photos with friends and did that whole SNL pat on the back and hugs thing you see.

I looked at a clock. 1115pm. Over five hours of shooting for 18 minutes (4 minutes [pre-recorded). Three of those hours were for the few scenes Lindsay had. When the final product airs next month people will see the editing and Lindsay’s best from those scenes and think to themselves that she isn’t that bad. The lines were well written and with as many shots as she had at each one she was bound to get something that can be used. People will tune into watch. The 200 people that sat through that taping though will know that Lindsay didn’t deserve to be on the show. They will know that every single person who had lines on the show was at least ten times better than Lindsay and in many cases a hundred times better.