The Mets are crashing and burning, trailers for awful movies that come out the last week of summer are airing (I’m looking at you, Vampires Suck) and somebody mentioned something to me about a tennis tournament that’s coming up in Queens at the end of the month — this all means one thing: it’s fantasy football draft season!

Soon enough I’ll be complaining to the closest person within earshot about the trials and travails of the real players on my fake team. And the most annoying part of that? Explaining to these people what the rules are. So, as my present to the world, here they are — the official scoring system for my fantasy football league.

• Passing Touchdown… +6 points
• Throwing Interceptions… -2 points
• Catching Interceptions… +2 points
• Explaining To Me The Last 15 Minutes of Inception… +8 points
• Drafting The First Kicker In The 5th Round… -5 points
• Drafting a Kicker Immediately After That Guy Because You Think There Might Be A “Run”… -17 points
• Complaining That The Team Before You Took Your “Sleeper” Pick Even Though We All Read The Same “Sleeper Pick” Articles A Day Before The Draft… -16 points
• 2-Point Conversions… +2 points
• Losing Temper As I Watch The Giants Blow A 2-Point Conversion For A Loss… -4 beer bottles, -2 bowls of chips, +1 fight with my wife
• First Guy to Say “Clinton Portis? Nice pick… for 2004!!!”… – 8 points
• First Guy to Respond “Nice zing… for 2007!”… +2 points
• Field Goals 0-19 Yards Made… +3 points
• Field Goals 0-19 Yards Missed… -3 points
• Attempting A 0-19 Yard Field Goal To Prove To My Buddies How Easy It Is… +1 pulled hamstring
• Choosing to Watching HBO’s Boardwalk Empire instead of NBC’s Sunday Night Football… -4 of my friends, +3 of my wife’s friends
• A Fumble Recovery… +2 points
• A Lindsay Lohan Recovery… not happening

Read more: Sports, Inception, Lindsay Lohan, Nfl, Sunday Night Football, Football, Vampires, Boardwalk Empire, Fantasy Football, Comedy, Comedy News