Who am I? Maybe I should introduce myself. My name is “Malignant Lung Cancer.” Yeah, nice to meet you too.

Let’s talk about this Swine Flu. I get it, the Swine Flu is spreading and it could potentially kill you. Yeah, great. Big f*ckin’ deal. But if you want to play in the Big Leagues, son, you’re gonna have to be a bit scarier — otherwise its back to the minors (and no, I’m not talking about the sh*tty third installment of the Major League film series).

It’s been pissing me off how much media press Swine Flu has been getting. I mean, I killed 354 people yesterday, and I don’t even get the back page in the New York Post — instead, there was something about how a local bodega was selling milk from the 1990s. Did I mention that you need chemo just to try to prevent me? Yeah, f*ck you sour milk.

I usually don’t discuss “politics” with people, but I talked to my acquaintances Malaria, AIDS, and even Salmonella — and they all agree that Swine Flu is being a dick. I mean, we get it, you’re all new and “it,” but lay off the press, you look like a drunk Lindsay Lohan going into a swanky LA club. “Oh look at me press. Oops, my boobs just popped out! I could totally kill you if you don’t get a vaccine. Tee-hee!” That’s what you look like Swine Flu. So what if the media likes you now? After you’re no longer a threat, you’ll be forced to do made-for-tv movies or dental floss commercials. Have fun working with Joey Lawrence.

So what’s my point? My point is that while the Swine Flu seems like a “big deal” now, in a few months or a year, it will just be a part of disease history. Just another disease that came, did a little damage, and left. And yes, I get it, there have been many confirmed cases of Swine Flu. But here’s the reality of the situation – I, Malignant Lung Cancer, kill close to 1.5 million people per year. I want some attention. I deserve some attention. I will kill more people than any of these “new” diseases combined. So Swine Flu: stick that in your pipe and smoke it! (Seriously, do it. It’ll give you malignant lung cancer.)

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Read more: Lung Cancer, Comedy, Sour Milk, Joey Lawrence, Comedy News, Lindsay Lohan, Swine Flu, Ben Berkon, Comedy News