According to HuffPo, Lindsay Lohan was clean for illicit drugs (leaving aside her laundry list of prescribed meds) and alcohol (but for one .03 reading) during her last six screenings. She was violated on her probation for missing the alcohol education classes the court had compelled her to attend. As a result, she was sentenced to 90 days in jail, followed by three months more in residential rehab.

I’m sensing that LL — who has some experience with alcohol education and substance abuse treatment as practiced in the U.S. — doesn’t want to go back to these programs. And, absent any drug or alcohol intoxication, what is the justification for forcing her to do so? Aren’t education and treatment meant to serve a therapeutic purpose? If LL hasn’t been using, what exactly is she being educated about and treated for?

Now, don’t go quoting me in support of LL’s tweets about the court’s violation of her human rights — but doesn’t she have a point? If she’s not getting drunk and stoned, let alone doing these things and driving, what is the court’s interest in her incarceration and compulsory stay in a program for active addicts and alcoholics?

All right, I’ve made my point. But who would really stand up for that poor, insolent tweedle brain? She isn’t political; she’s not a feminist; she’s not helping underprivileged or seriously ill or developing world children (or was she?), so who cares about her human rights? Anyhow, Dr. Drew says 90 days of treatment after her 90 days in jail is just what Lindsay needs.

(P.S. Thanks to Paul Whittaker for the title and idea.)

Read more: Aa, Lindsay Lohan, Alcohol Education, Court-Ordered Treatment, 12-Step Treatment, Rehab, Addiction & Recovery, Living News

Well, it happened. We finally, FINALLY got an authentic peek inside Lindsay Lohan’s medicine cabinet. Conjecture can end, and based on the medication list — Zoloft, trazodone, Adderall, and Dilaudid, I can officially welcome her into the Pill Head club without a libel suit. Truth be told, there’s still an addict part of me that’s seething with jealousy about her sanctioned prescriptions. Her insurance company, if she has one, is most likely paying for her to get high. And so far, the authorities involved in her legal proceedings haven’t done anything about it.

Something tells me this isn’t going to last though. There’s been enough of a media outcry to attract the attention of someone, somewhere, who is going to examine who exactly is writing her ‘scripts. There’s no way that wisdom teeth removal requires a painkiller as strong as Dilaudid. You’re lucky these days if you can even score a refill for Vicodin or Percocet at the dentist. If you’re unfamiliar with Dilaudid, consider this — in the movie Drugstore Cowboy, it’s the ultimate score in junkies’ pharmacy heists. Everything else behind the counter, with the exception of morphine, pales in comparison. And when you take Dilaudid, or any opioid, with Adderall, it acts as a speedball, no different than taking coke and heroin together. A doctor once told me that in terms of its effect on your heart, it’s like two trains heading at top speed towards each other on the same track.

So, say the authorities finally get their act together, look into these prescriptions, and decide that they aren’t warranted after all. My biggest fear for Lindsay is that the drugs get taken away immediately. This is a terrible, and dangerous idea. If what she said is true, that she’s been on these pills “as long as I can remember,” then she is in for one hell of nasty withdrawal process. I’m talking Trainspotting-style — the shakes, shitting, and dead baby hallucinations. She needs to be slowly and carefully weaned off of painkillers, maybe even with some Suboxone (essentially, methadone for pill heads) to help ease the horrors. I sincerely hope that whoever is in charge of her well-being takes this into consideration, because at this point, if I were her, I’d be way more scared of the comedown than jail.

Read more: Dilaudid, Vicodin, Jail, Pills, Lindsay Lohan, Withdrawal, Suboxone, Entertainment News

In my JDate profile, I give a fairly specific age range. But not like those people who join and say they’re only looking for someone ages 25-26 (???) I set limits for myself at 23 as the youngest I would date (fresh off the boat from Frat-land, Calc 101 exams, and the world where you actually went to InternBar events) and 31 as the oldest.

Why 31? I dunno. I guess if I found Andy Samberg‘s secret twin brother Sandy Samberg (cruel joke by Andy) and he happened to be 35, I’d let it slide. But only because of my undying appreciation for the winning combination of felines and laser beams.

One thing I’ve noticed about a lot of guys on the site is that even though they are far, far out of my age range (really, 45 and up) they still contact me wanting to go out. This is what Patti Stanger would refer to as “age-ism,” or the ideal of the 20-something girl. No matter how much a guy wants to relive his younger years with a girl who became legally allowed to drink two years ago, (or in Lindsay Lohan‘s case, probably never again), it likely won’t work in the long-run.

Last night I went out with the oldest guy I’ve ever gone out with – 32. Before you get out your canes to wave at me that 32 is a spring roast chicken, that’s a full 9 years older than I am. Almost a decade. Nearly ten years of trends like Furbies and Pogs that are totally lost to him. I know, I have reduced this age difference to Furbies and Pogs. How about, when you were taking 21 shots for your birthday, all I wanted was braces and a cast (why is this such a common desire among kids?)

Where we went: The W Hotel “POV” rooftop. I lurve the W. It’s shmancy pants, even though I was wearing a dress. And more important, they have FIVE different kinds of ice. I got a cylinder in my G&T. I am such a BRAT.

http://www.starwoodhotels.com/whotels/property/dining/attraction_detail.html?propertyID=3279&attractionId=1004250481

What I wore: T by Alexander Wang black cotton and nylon dress, Helmut Lang cut-out vest, wedges. (Seriously, I know, you shouldn’t wear a dress/skirt + heels on the first date. You look like you’re trying too hard. But let’s be real, DC Summer is sort of like living your life while submerged in a bowl of pea soup. If my hair weren’t ten times Brazilian/Japanese/whatever torture they will think of for my follicles next, let’s just say it would have been curly. It really wanted to curl. It was really hot.)

Now, the date was fun. Don’t get me wrong, this guy was great. Cute, nice, smart, and in an entirely different phase of his life from me. (What, living in your parents house and spending your time writing about your Hebrew dating adventures isn’t a secure career path, Meredith!? Thanks for reminding me, IvyGate!)

The thing was, this guy wanted a wife and kids, tomorrow. Maybe before dessert. And maybe I shouldn’t be drinking?

I understand that nine years in the big scheme of things really isn’t a lot, not to mention it’s only one year older than my self-imposed “limit” on JDate. I just really felt like there was a disconnect. Yes, I eventually want to get married and have children, emphasis on the eventually. I don’t think that my collection of Silly Bandz on my left arm was helping my baby-making case either (this is like, the greatest trend ever. I tried to trade with a five-year-old boy yesterday and he looked at me like I was deranged. And not because I was too old (reverse age-ism!), but because I had “really common” ones. And he already had all of them. I was shunned for run-of-the-mill rubber bands shaped like barnyard animals. I love my life.)

I understand that “age is just a number.” To some degree. When that age difference approaches double digits (at least when you’re in your twenties, or at least for moi), it’s questionable.

But then again, it IS doing wonders for Demi‘s pores.

Read more: Funny, Lindsay Lohan, Humor, Judaism, Jewish, Dating, Online Dating, Jdate, Love, Living News

A fondness for the f-word may run in the Lohan family.

Days after Lindsay Lohan was caught with “F**k U” painted on her nails and called the judge who sentenced her to jail a “f**king bitch,” dad Michael has dropped the F-bomb on Fox News.

In an interview with Shepard Smith on “Studio B,” Michael Lohan said “fuck” live on air after Smith asked him why he was going on TV and partying on the night his daughter had been sentenced to 90 days in jail.

“I don’t think a lot of parents understand the way you conduct yourself,” Smith said. Referring to pictures of Lohan smiling at a restaurant, he said, “I think a lot of [people] are probably saying, you know, if you’d done half this much to try to help your daughter…”

That’s when Lohan blew up:

“Are you kidding me? Give me a break…you have no right saying that…don’t tell me how much time I spend helping my daughter or going out to eat dinner, or how much time I spend in the fucking gym.”

WATCH:

Read more: Fox News, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Lohan, Studio B, Shepard Smith, Video, Media News