Following her disastrous collection, Lindsay Lohan has been fired from Emanuel Ungaro. Now that her career in haute couture is derailed, what can our plucky LiLo do next?

* VIP cocktail waitress in Vegas — if Rachel Uchitel could land a man like Tiger Woods from this job, think about the guy or girl Lindsay could land.
* Molson Beer Girl — it worked out really well for Pamela Anderson. That said, does it matter that Lindsay isn’t from Canada?
* Celebrity personal assistant — because it would be karmic retribution for treating her own assistants like crap.
* Drug dealer — cut out the middleman!
* Dancing with the Stars contestant — seriously, I can’t believe she hasn’t done this one already. Think how awesome it would be if Maks was her partner.
* DJ — if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.
* Girl Next Door — now that the Shannon twins have moved out of the Playboy Mansion, Hef is in the market for some more girlfriends. Lindsay could get her own room!
* John Mayer’s New Girlfriend — doesn’t pay, but the publicity can’t be beat.
* Body double in Twilight — simply having her name attached to that film couldn’t be a bad idea at this point in her career.

See more at The Gloss.

Read more: Rachel Uchitel, Hugh Hefner, John Mayer, Twilight, The Girls Next Door, Lindsay Lohan, Pamela Anderson, Comedy News

Parents wanting to name their baby “Lindsay” may want to think twice, after E-Trade Financial found itself at the unintended comedic end of a $100M lawsuit brought about by the actress Lindsay Lohan who claims that the Super Bowl ad for the company defamed her.

The story, appearing in the New York Post, is fairly stunning.

Ms. Lohan, who just watched her fashion career with Ungaro sink faster than a submarine with screen doors, seems to think that she is in the same class of celebrity as “Oprah” or “Angelina,” when the truth is that her co-star Herbie is probably better known as a first-name actor.

The suit was filed in a Nassau County (NY) court. No word yet as to whether terrorists have spiked the water in Nassau with hallucinogens or other narcotics that might explain what would prompt area lawyer Stephanie Ovadia filing this suit for Ms. Lohan. I guess if the cash is green and you can avoid openly laughing when someone with a first name shared by millions of other people comes and tells you that she wants damages for use of her uniqueness, you can file almost anything.

First, watch the commercial, if you haven’t seen it already:

Now I’ve seen this commercial a few times, and I cannot say with a straight face that I ever found any reason to suggest that it was riffing on Lindsay Lohan.

Perhaps if the male baby had said something like: “Lindsay? Oh you mean that skanky freckled-face bi-sexual baby and media ho?” Then maybe she might have a point.

E*Trade should give her a million for the free publicity.

What’s next? Lawyers recommending to y’all that everyone with a child named Lindsay should find a lawyer, develop a slog of class-action lawsuits, and sue E-Trade for defaming your daughter’s good name?

Make sure, by the way, that you file a trade or service mark for your child’s name at birth, as Lindsay’s mom apparently has done.

Lindsey Graham is thinking about filing a similar suit, as are Lindsay Wagner and Lindsay Price and Lindsay Hartley and Lindsey Vonn.

I’m thinking, for my son, Holden, to compel the Salinger estate to recall every copy of “Catcher in the Rye,” and to demand that the name “Holden Caulfield” be replaced with “Iggy Caulfield” Let the guys named Iggy fight that one out.

I can see the 15-minutes-of-fame thing as a selling point to the lawyer, but, unless there is some brilliant strategy on the part of Ms. Lohan’s agent and management in making her look like a complete fool and spend a week as the subject of jokes on the nighttime shows instead of pitching her upcoming projects on them, then I can’t see the win here.

Even New York and LA area crack dealers are sitting back and shaking their heads at this one.

Lindsays ain’t easy to love and they’re harder to hold.
They give you a song-and-dance and demand diamonds and gold.
Designer buckles and old faded jeans,
And each night begins a new binge.
If you don’t like their acting as teens,
Now it’ll probably make you cringe.

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Lindsays.
Don’t let ’em make movies or design fashion lines,
Let ’em be actresses and publicity-hounds and such.
Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be Lindsays.
‘Cos they’ll never stay home and they’re always alone.
Even with someone they love.

Lindsays like smokey old club rooms and all kinds of liquor,
Little Gucci handbags and bad boys and girls of the night.
Them that don’t know her won’t like her and them that do,
Sometimes won’t know how to take her.
She ain’t wrong, she’s just different but her pride won’t let her,
Do things to make you think she’s right in the head.

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Lindsays.
Don’t let ’em on Leno or Letterman too,
Let ’em do Kimmel and Ferguson and such.
Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be Lindsays.
‘Cos they’ll think they’re bigger than they are,
And sue someone for using the name.

Ms. Lohan, you’re no Oprah. Leave your comedy career on the silver screen, and keep it out of the courtroom.

My shiny two.

Read more: Herbie, Lindsay Lohan, E*Trade, Angelina Jolie, Herbie the Love Bug, Humor, Comedy News, Hollywood, Comedy, Lawsuits, Oprah Winfrey, Lohan Sues E*Trade, E*Trade Lawsuit, Entertainment, Law, Oprah, Angelina, Funny, Entertainment News

Part seven in a series.

As I went through “Be Present” week of “Mental Muscle” Boot Camp, a life-changing experience from the past was never far from my thoughts.

Two years ago, a fight with a longtime friend escalated while I was at work and could not speak by phone. Fierce emails were traded back and forth. By the time I left the office that night, I was in a complete rage.

As I got in my car and turned the ignition, the fight continued in my head. My anger remained at a fever pitch as I planned out what I’d say the next time my friend and I might speak.

Then I remembered a passage from Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth” about car accidents and a person’s state of consciousness when they’re involved in one. I recognized that I was not fully paying attention and primed to have an accident if I did not find a way to calm down.

Tolle’s primary lessons are about being in “the present moment” or “the now.” I took a deep breath and decided to put my focus squarely on what was happening in that exact moment and nothing else. I started out in silence, but my thoughts kept drifting back to the fight. I doubled my focus by speaking every thought about the present moment out loud.

“I am driving.”

“I am driving and breathing.”

“I am driving and looking at that red stop light.”

“I am driving and watching that dog pee on the lawn.”

….and so on, for the entire half-hour trek home.

By the time I walked into my apartment, I was completely calm. Whatever rage I felt was gone. The fight was now in the past and I was not about to interrupt the calm by bringing it back into the present.

With this experience, I ingrained an understanding of what it means to be fully engaged with the present moment. So, I wondered what reactions “Be Present” week in Boot Camp would bring up as I’d already incorporated this practice into my life.

One of James Mellon’s directives was to take an hour and do something fulfilling that was “outside the norm.” I was spooked by those words, “outside the norm”, because I had no clue what that would be. I immediately went to the “Mental Muscle” blog to express that.

As I wrote that I already take an hour to do something fulfilling every day, a voice from the past rose up. During a breakup, someone said to me, “I think all you like to do is watch television and go to movies.” With those words, I bought into a belief that my world is small and I am limited in what I like to do.

Three days later, James read that aloud during one of the chat sessions, and said, “Who gets to judge what you like to do? Maybe you’re just specific in what you enjoy. How about that? How about getting rid of ‘I am limited’ and instead saying, ‘I know me. I know who I am. I know what I like and I’m open to liking more things’?”

I had never thought of it that way. I held on to an ex-boyfriend’s words for almost 20 years and allowed them to define me. This was just another reminder of how easy it has been to carry negative events from my past into the present.

Recently, I’d made a decision to welcome a new room-mate into my apartment. My landlord had final say over my choice. When we spoke, he made his reservations clear, but also said, “I trust and have faith in you and know you’ll be responsible.”

I didn’t focus on that part of what he said at all. I was stuck on the fact that he had reservations about my choice. I was now rethinking a decision I had been solid with for days. The possibilities of what could go wrong came up. What if I was about to make a mistake?

This is a pattern. I tend to discount my own voice because I think people I trust know better for me than I know for myself.

I was with a friend and fellow Boot Camper, AJ, when I hung up the phone with my landlord. I talked out the fear, trying to understand why I was blocked when five minutes prior, I was so certain. Once I came to a conclusion, I thanked AJ for being there. He said, “I didn’t do anything. You did it.”

What I had done was recognize that I was trying to outguess the future, and therefore, not present. I can be incredibly fearful of making a mistake. It’s as if I want to be absolutely perfect with every choice I make, so there will be no regrets.

Ultimately, I see that is all about a need for control and “staying safe.” Of course, I don’t want negative outcomes, but I can’t control whether or not they happen.

In a way, this experience repeated itself on Monday. I wasn’t feeling well and spent an hour debating whether I should call in sick to work. All I could think about was work getting backed up and how overwhelmed I would feel when I returned.

My present state of physical health and taking care of myself so I could be functional was less on my mind than future consequences from my absence. That is definitely not “the now.” I wound up calling in.

Compared to the intensity of previous weeks of Boot Camp, I felt like I got a bit of a breather this week. At the very least, I am glad to be reminded that letting go of the past, and stopping projection into the future, can only lead to a perfect present.

Read more: Science of Mind, Eckhart Tolle a New Earth, Being Present, Spiritual Boot Camp, The NoHo Arts Center for New Thought, New Thought, Eckhart Tolle, James Mellon, Mental Muscle, Anxiety, Spirituality, Meet the Press, Lindsay Lohan, Lady GaGa, Happiness, Libya, The Inner Life, Living News

Not as well known for his health recommendations as for offending people, Howard Stern actually is a keen student of health behavior. In his own life, he significantly modified his diet, exercise, and substance use patterns. Stern’s recommendations tend to be moderate (he doesn’t abstain from alcohol, for instance), common-sensical, and self-initiated — as the changes (including overcoming OCD) were in his own life.

From this perspective, Stern observed that Gabourey Sidibe is deluding herself if she thinks her Academy Award will lead her to a career as an actress. There are simply not enough roles for a woman her size. But Stern’s advice goes deeper. Sidibe won’t be around that long if she weighs 300 pounds at 26. While she can be active and healthy through her 20s and perhaps her mid-30s, she can’t handle that weight into her 40s — particularly if she gains more.

A discussion of Sidibe’s weight inevitably calls forth all kinds of reactions — including claims of prejudice against heavy people, women, and African Americans — all of which she is. She is also bound to be unhealthy. Sidibe and her mother, Alice Tan Ridley, seem to recognize this, sort of:

The truth is Gabourey would like to lose some weight but the reality is that she would not have gotten the role of Precious if she had not been heavy. As her mum I would like to see my daughter healthy but if she didn’t lose weight that’s not a problem either — it runs in our family. We have relatives that are 80 who are too heavy.

The last part of her statement is the wishful thinking of the addict — “I know a smoker in his 80s.” Yes, but you sure reduce your odds of reaching 80 if you smoke. And you will most likely create subsidiary health issues that will increasingly dog you through life (trouble breathing and sleeping, poor circulation, lingering colds and coughs). There is no free lunch.

I have a rehab treatment center, one where we address both substance abuse and health behavior. We don’t tell people they have a problem — they’re aware of that when they arrive at St. Gregory. Obviously, we don’t belittle them or put them down. Instead, we simply remind them and ask them to reflect on what we both know to be true — that they need to change. We work with them to convert that motivation into reality. And we are there to point out the life benefits they experience as they make such changes.

Hollywood types are notable for their refusal to make judgments of others, and so you won’t find any show business personalities taking on Sidibe’s weight. When Sidibe started salivating over male hunk Gerard Butler at the Oscars, no one — least of all Butler, who politely played along — told Sidibe she isn’t going to get a hit of that, or much else. Only Howard Stern is willing to pass along that news.

And, oh, perhaps Michelle Obama, if she’s serious about confronting youthful obesity no matter what that requires. While people ARE willing to take on Lindsay Lohan and Brittney Spears for providing bad role models for young women around substance use, and people are always criticizing models for being dangerously thin, what about Sidibe and the rampant obesity among children, especially African American children? Is that worth pricking a few balloons over?

Read more: Childhood Obesity, Howard Stern, Precious, Gabourey Sidibe, Gay Marriage, Michelle Obama, Lindsay Lohan, Brittney Spears, Anorexia, Emaciated Models, St-Gregory-Addicton-Center, Drug Abuse, Living News